death

When Mother’s Day Is Emotional

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“Her death the dividing mark: Before and After,” writes Theo about his mother in Donna Tart’s The Goldfinch. “Things would have turned out better if she had lived. When I lost sight of her I lost sight of any landmark that might have led me someplace happier, to some more populated or congenial life.”

Life is heavy. Life is hard. Life is also incredibly busy. With the responsibilities of being a husband, the father of five, and a pastor, I don’t have much time to sit and reflect on the grief and pain within my heart. I believe this is a mercy from God because I would probably fall into despair if I spent all my time reflecting on the good old days, focusing on what I don’t have, and lamenting the death of my birth mom and my adopted mom. But I do think of them often. Whenever I fold a towel her way, make an omelet just like she taught me, wash dishes using “elbow grease,” or listen to her favorite country station, I’m reminded of Mom’s influence in my life. It’s always the little things that catch me off guard—a picture, an old friend, a familiar place.

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Haunted Dreams and Hallowed Nightmares

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“I’m going home, back to New Hampshire. I’m so determined; I’m so determined.” As a sojourner in CA for eight years, I maintained a certain soundtrack to my life. I listened to songs that reminded me of and made me reflect on home. One of my most-often-played and most-often-listened-to songs was “New Hampshire” by Matt Pond PA—an eerily beautiful song about regret and nostalgia.1 When some people on the West Coast had the audacity to tell me I would never go back, this one line became my prayer, my manifesto, my stubborn anthem that I sang along to. The line resonated with my heart and reinforced my deepest desire. Returning home was my burning passion and most cherished dream.

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Comforting Resources on Grief

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Emily Dickinson once wrote, “I can wade grief, whole pools of it, I’m used to that.” On one hand, I can relate as I have been literally wading grief my entire life. I lost my birth mother at two years old and just lost my adoptive mom a year ago. It’s been a constant, lifelong journey—subconscious at times, palpable at others. Yet on the other hand, I can’t quite relate to the last part because grief is not something you get used to in this life. It is ever present—yes—but it is never normalized. Even in the ubiquity of tragedy, we wrestle and reckon with it, but never actually come to grips with it. The hurting and aching following loss will always remain in our hearts on this side of glory. Through the grieving process I’ve found comfort in Scripture and in songs, but I’ve also found it in great books.

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A Better Question for Bitter Times

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If you’ve lived long enough in the big hard world under the big hard sun, you’ve experienced the crushing pain and unbearable weight of tragedy and loss. You’ve encountered shocking sorrow—jaw-dropping, gut-wrenching, life-changing news. The phone call that leaves you breathless on your knees feeling heartbroken, forsaken, and hopeless. And when this kind of trial comes your way, you invariably ask the same line of questions—

Why?

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My Top Ten Books Read in 2019

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This is the third year that I have committed to reading 50 books (you can view my completed books list on Goodreads here). With the perfect blend of curiosity, intentionality, and tenacity, you can join me in reading more. If you desire this, I have shared my personal tips and tricks on reading more. As I am continually shaped by what I read, I desire to share books worthy of your time and energy. These are my favorite books read in 2019 (not necessarily published this year). As you read through each section, I hope you will see the overlapping and recurring themes. This is one of the joys of reading more. Continue reading →

My Adoption and My Identity

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Here is a short list of some things you might not have known about me:

My precious mother passed away when I was 2 years old.

I grew up with seven brothers and sisters.

I am adopted.

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8 Reasons Why I Am A Foster Parent

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my why

My family of five has had the privilege of being involved in foster care for the past year and a half. We have had the joy of having three different girls in our home and currently have one of them with us. Whether it’s the fact that we have a lot of kids or that one doesn’t look like us . . . people notice and people ask questions. Whether it is from a stranger at the park or a fellow member at church, the question I receive the most is, “Why?” or “What made you want to do this?” Here are my personal reasons for being a foster parent . . .

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