Behind the walls of an evidently ordinary home are overwhelmed parents ill-prepared to deal with the behavioral issues related to childhood trauma. And behind the eyes of a seemingly normal child is an insecure soul unprepared to deal with the ever-emerging subconscious crisis of identity.
My wife and I became foster parents in Los Angeles County in 2016. We completed the grueling and invasive certification process in six months. This included hours of training in abuse, neglect, trauma, vulnerability, connection, and first-aid, on top of the medical exams, background checks, towers of paperwork, and home study.
Let’s be frank—there is nothing simple about separation and loss; and no amount of training is sufficient to prepare you for the lifelong journey of being a foster/adoptive, or “blended,” family. After the joy of bringing a child into your family, things are likely to become more arduous and complicated over time. There’s this beautiful yet tragic, obvious yet unspoken, chosen yet unchosen mess that exists. This intricate wad of trauma/drama must be unraveled and tended to over time or it will consume your family.
The initial training that potential foster/adoptive parents receive only skims along the service of the issues. Persevering as a faithful parent will bring you to the end of yourself. Processing and understanding it all may take a lifetime for the parent and the child. Here are some insightful resources that have helped me process both the internal turmoil of being adopted and the external challenges of being an adoptive parent.
7. Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency by Roszia & Maxon
“Separating a newborn baby, who has spent nine month in utero with their birth/first mother, creates trauma in their sensory system . . . Many of these children will suffer the effects of complex developmental trauma.”
This is the most current and comprehensive textbook resource on adoption and permanency. It is rather exhaustive dealing with everything from race, gender, and religion to third-party reproduction and special needs. Although completely secular in its approach, the primary benefit of this resource is familiarity with modern issues related to permanency. As you interact with families, social workers, lawyers, judges, you will be conversant in the current issues and trends, whether you agree with them or not. The overall principles are helpful for understanding the core issues of loss, rejection, shame, guilt, grief, identity, intimacy, mastery, and control. Whether you are currently a foster parent or have already adopted, I recommend this as a truly informative and helpful resource that will prepare you for all the issues surrounding adoption and permanency.
6. The Connected Child by Purvis, Cross, & Sunshine
“Children who act out may appear strong but are surprisingly fragmented inside . . . Disturbing behaviors—tantrums, hiding, hyperactivity, or aggressiveness—are often triggered by a child’s deep, primal fear.”
Children who have experienced separation need connection like oxygen. Some know it; others don’t. Some crave it; others spurn and sabotage it—whether consciously or subconsciously. Nevertheless, as the parent, it is your responsibility to establish deep connection with your child no matter how long or complicated things get. Many of the traditional forms of parenting, bonding, training, and disciplining simply will not be effective with a child who experienced abuse and neglect. This resource provides practical help to establish healing and connection when building attachment and trust is challenging. Written by Christian doctors, this is an integrated approach to parenting that will challenge your traditional values and principles. But one must remember, there is nothing traditional or natural about this journey. Childhood trauma is a delicate and unique brokenness that necessitates an exposure to other proven practical approaches.
5. Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp
“Parenting is concerned with shepherding the heart. You must learn to work from the behavior you see to the heart, exposing issues for your children. You must learn to engage them, not just reprove them.”
To bring balance to the equation, I recommend this classic resource by Ted Tripp as a thoroughly biblical approach to parenting. Not only does he apply solid biblical principles, but he gets to the heart of parenting by drawing the parents to the heart of their child. Nothing is more volatile than the heart of a separated child. Fear, anger, hurt, loss, control, defensiveness, and more permeate their broken hearts. Neuroscience is helpful only to a point. And from a Christian worldview, we understand that although attachment may be the most immediate need, the ultimate need is hope from the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This resource encourages a Godward orientation to parenting that will serve your adopted child’s identity in the long run bringing hope in the midst of much confusion. Because of the uniqueness of childhood trauma, we must prudently sift through this book as we apply its principles to orphan care.
4. Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
“The adopted child. Magnificent to behold. One of a kind. Biological features often contrary to yours. Intricate roots that need to be healed. Loaded with behavioral challenges for parents, but ultimately yielding a life of unparalleled beauty.”
I believe it is impossible for an adoptive parent to put themselves in their adopted child’s shoes. The same is true on the other hand—it is impossible for an adopted child to put himself in the shoes of the parent. This is not simply an initial problem but an ongoing one. It’s hard to understand the profound brokenness of early loss and separation unless you’ve also been down that path. Adoptive parents hold the keys to much of a child’s past that will help them process their identity and become whole. But that information can be damaging if it is shared too early or too late. There is a small window of opportunity unique to each child and parents must be in tune with the progression of their child’s journey. Most parents are ill-prepared for their child to ask questions about their birth parents, but it’s simply a matter of time. It takes a strong, secure, and informed parent to help a child, teen, or adult process their broken past. This books brilliantly attempts to place adoptive parents in their child’s shoes.
3. Until Every Child Is Home by Todd Chipman
“Sometimes churches fail to realize a deep sense of mutual commitment because we are not stepping out in ministries that stretch us to the point of realizing that we need one another. Foster care and adoption do that.”
This book emphasizes the spiritual nature of orphan work. The enemy is engaged in spiritual warfare against the image of God in children who suffer most from the ills of society—poverty, domestic abuse, racism, human trafficking, etc. Chipman makes a compelling case that it is the Church’s responsibility to step up and provide care for the fatherless. He does this by connecting orphan care with the Great Commission and the Kingdom of God. He encourages church leaders to step up and lead from the front by becoming involved. He connects various social issues that exist upstream and downstream from fatherlessness to reveal that orphan care does more than simply care for orphans—it has the potential to transform society. Overall, he makes a cogent and clarion call for churches to train and equip and support foster/adoptive parents in their communities and around the world as this is part and parcel of the Great Commission to make disciples of all nations. There is so much positivity in this resource to galvanize the troops into battle.
2. Reframing Foster Care by Jason Johnson
“In the end, it’s the mercy of God that He doesn’t reveal to us everything that will unfold in the foster care and adoption journey the moment we first say yes to it. All the hard would be too unbearable and all the good would be too unbelievable.”
This book is brimming with hope. Johnson shows how foster parenting is best seen through the lens of the Gospel and how Christians are uniquely positioned to be effective foster/adoptive parents because of principles inherent to the Gospel such as self-giving, self-sacrifice, redeeming brokenness, and hope. He points us to God’s infinite wisdom and goodness as we all “limp” our way through this journey. He shows how this unique ministry of opening our hearts to the defenseless and vulnerable is absolutely untamable, but will in the end transform your life. He helps us see that “the gospel has the unique ability to transform costs into privileges and inconveniences into opportunities.” He answers so many emotional and spiritual questions surrounding the delicate dance with conviction, courage, and a total lack of guarantees.
1. After They Are Yours by Brian Borgman
“Inside those hearts are not simply sinners who sin, but human beings who have suffered trauma that has warped their thinking, their emotions, and sometimes their brains.”
Part doctrinal and part personal testimony, the transparent heartbeat of this short book will surprise you! Every page pulsates with raw vulnerability that normalizes the difficult complexities of foster care and adoption. Pastor Borgman shares his own journey as a foster/adoptive parent, his weaknesses, failures, blind spots, and how God worked it all together for good. From his story, you will discover your own inadequacy for the task, motivation to persevere in the exhausting ups and downs, and real hope for better days and mended relationships. All in all, he reveals that this journey is no breeze. It requires some serious grit coupled with an inexhaustible supply of grace.
Maximum Mandatum 